Swine Flu: Attention Whore.

Swine Flu, the trendy disease that took the nation by storm nearly 4 months ago, is apparently still around. Swine Flu mysteriously has yet to be deterred by the fact that the world has more important things to discuss now, such as Michael Jackson's death and President Obama's birth certificate.

Seems to me that Swine Flu needs to get the hint. Look, buddy, you were a hot topic for a minute, and you broke the monotony of our everyday safe lives, but it's over now. Don't pull a Britney on us and wig out because you aren't getting enough attention.

I heard that you are still killing people all over the world. No, no, no...that's the worst way to go about this. You need to fade out with some dignity if you ever want to be taken seriously again. Just take the money that you got from your past publicity stunt, invest it well, lay low, and wait for VH1 to contact you about being on a reality show in 6 years. Seriously, you don't want to end up being a walking joke, like Pauly Shore or something.

Stuff that's not dumb.

Self-Checkout Machines at grocery stores- Seriously, whoever thought of this needs to be approximately 10 times richer than he or she already is. Thank you so much.

Yeah I know, they are basically a a glorified Express Lane (15 items or less, bitch) but the Express Lane just didn't cut it anymore. Nine times out of Ten, you still had to wait in the Express Lane for some old bitch who is writing a check for eight dollars worth of that yogurt that makes you poop. The checkout machines are always open. Fuck yeah. This is almost as good as having flying cars.

Revolving Restaurants- Yeah, it sounds stupid, but have you ever been to one? No? Well then shutup. I highly recommend you do this before you die. Spinning restaurants were popular in the 70's and this shit needs to make a comeback. Plus, it's fucking hilarious when someone has to use the restroom and can't figure out if it's left or right this time.

GPS Devices - Holy crap I'm bad with directions, which is ironic because I deliver pizzas in my spare time. But if I want to know if I'm confusing Farmcrest St. with Farmwood St., I don't have to do shit but enter it into my Tom Tom. Frodo wishes he had shit like this when going to Mordor.

Thank God we live in an age where I can travel to a completely different state, not know anybody or anything, and still find my way around like I was a local. These things are so cheap now, there really isn't any reason you shouldn't have one. I'm still amazed every time I turn mine on and it can find me 10 parks in a 7 mile radius. What the hell is Google Maps again?

Free Current Generation Video Games - Yeah, that's not a typo. I said free. I've known this for a while because my mom works at a library, but few people know it even now. Most libraries carry video games and allow you to check them out for free. Yeah, I'll let that sink in. You may be asking, are you fucking serious? Yeah I'm serious.

We are in a global recession and last week I picked up Devil May Cry 4 and Heavenly Sword to play completely free for three weeks. Screw you GameFly, Fuck you Blockbuster, the library has you beat bad. Now all those taxes you pay make perfect sense, don't they?

Stuff that's dumb.

-Women who pretend to not be fat online by taking a close cropped picture of themselves. We know you're fat. It ain't hard to figure out when you have no pictures of yourself below the chest and the arm holding the camera has more dimples than a golf ball.

-Mowing the lawn. Jesus. It just keeps...coming...back. It's enough to drive you crazy. This mostly goes back to my father forcing my brother and me to mow a 1.5 acre yard with just a push mower when we were nine years old. It got even worse when the self-propulsion feature stopped working. You know what? I seriously think I need to go punch my dad right now.

-That asshole that mows the lawn at 7 A.M. and wakes you up. You know who you are...Watch your back.

-Traffic. Where the hell are our flying cars? The other day it took me 40 more minutes to get to school than normal because ONE car wrecked and all the assholes were slowing down to look at it. I'm suing Michael J. Fox if we don't have them soon.

-Math. Fuck. Math. God... I've never worked at something for 40 minutes before and came up with nothing. Math is like some demonic sudoku puzzle that changes rules every time you do a new one. I don't sit down to write an English paper only to discover that I have to break the fucking Divinci Code just to figure out how to complete it. Rationalize the Denomiator, my ass. What the fuck do I need to know how to do that for? Dammit.

-People that are good at Math. Fuck you. Seriously. I hate you. (P.S. can you help me with my Pre-Cal? Call me.)

Laziness and Such

I know I haven't updated in a while or very frequently recently. I'm adjusting to a 60 hour work week as well as taking a summer course. Also, I've just been lazy. Be patient, I'm coming back in full force soon.

If you are bored and looking for similar things, I suggest checking out these sites :

www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com An internet classic.

www.cracked.com Updated nearly every day with interesting and/or funny articles.

www.proatcooking.com Seriously, check this one out. It's a cooking show with a deadpan misogynistic cook. It's funny because he's mean to his assistants. Do yourself a favor and start at episode 1.

www.reddit.com Screw digg.com, this is the best link aggregation site out there. If you like wasting hours of time, this is the site to go to.

www.garfieldminusgarfield.net I can't put it any better than the description from the website:

Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.

Anti-Tobacco Lobbyists Consider Banning Cold Weather

This week Anti-Tobacco groups such as Truth.com teamed up with Congress to begin talks on what they see as Big Tobacco's greatest advertisement to youth - Cold Weather.
For as long as there has been tobacco, children in sub-40 degree weather have been pretending to blow out cigarette smoke using visible water vapor in the cold air.

Rep. Steven Hatch (D) had this to say at the session: "Cold air is obviously one of Big Tobacco's inventions to once again subvert the impressionable minds of our youth. This is Joe the Camel all over again. We must make a stand for our children!" Murmurs of assent followed.

Kids pretending to smoke in the cold weather is the number one cause of smoking as adults, numerous studies say. A recent double blind study conducted by the WHO showed that as many as 8 out of every 10 kids has pantomimed blowing cigarette smoke while waiting for their school buses.

Many congressmen believe that the answer lies in doing away with cold weather.
Al Gore, former Vice President, but now best known for his anti-global warming movie, has already started efforts to accelerate the process of global warming. Thursday he urged all Americans to leave their refrigerators open and to use aerosol hairspray like it was "going out of style." Stock of Aqua-Net soared to an all-time high.

More news as this develops.