Swine Flu: Attention Whore.

Swine Flu, the trendy disease that took the nation by storm nearly 4 months ago, is apparently still around. Swine Flu mysteriously has yet to be deterred by the fact that the world has more important things to discuss now, such as Michael Jackson's death and President Obama's birth certificate.

Seems to me that Swine Flu needs to get the hint. Look, buddy, you were a hot topic for a minute, and you broke the monotony of our everyday safe lives, but it's over now. Don't pull a Britney on us and wig out because you aren't getting enough attention.

I heard that you are still killing people all over the world. No, no, no...that's the worst way to go about this. You need to fade out with some dignity if you ever want to be taken seriously again. Just take the money that you got from your past publicity stunt, invest it well, lay low, and wait for VH1 to contact you about being on a reality show in 6 years. Seriously, you don't want to end up being a walking joke, like Pauly Shore or something.

Stuff that's not dumb.

Self-Checkout Machines at grocery stores- Seriously, whoever thought of this needs to be approximately 10 times richer than he or she already is. Thank you so much.

Yeah I know, they are basically a a glorified Express Lane (15 items or less, bitch) but the Express Lane just didn't cut it anymore. Nine times out of Ten, you still had to wait in the Express Lane for some old bitch who is writing a check for eight dollars worth of that yogurt that makes you poop. The checkout machines are always open. Fuck yeah. This is almost as good as having flying cars.

Revolving Restaurants- Yeah, it sounds stupid, but have you ever been to one? No? Well then shutup. I highly recommend you do this before you die. Spinning restaurants were popular in the 70's and this shit needs to make a comeback. Plus, it's fucking hilarious when someone has to use the restroom and can't figure out if it's left or right this time.

GPS Devices - Holy crap I'm bad with directions, which is ironic because I deliver pizzas in my spare time. But if I want to know if I'm confusing Farmcrest St. with Farmwood St., I don't have to do shit but enter it into my Tom Tom. Frodo wishes he had shit like this when going to Mordor.

Thank God we live in an age where I can travel to a completely different state, not know anybody or anything, and still find my way around like I was a local. These things are so cheap now, there really isn't any reason you shouldn't have one. I'm still amazed every time I turn mine on and it can find me 10 parks in a 7 mile radius. What the hell is Google Maps again?

Free Current Generation Video Games - Yeah, that's not a typo. I said free. I've known this for a while because my mom works at a library, but few people know it even now. Most libraries carry video games and allow you to check them out for free. Yeah, I'll let that sink in. You may be asking, are you fucking serious? Yeah I'm serious.

We are in a global recession and last week I picked up Devil May Cry 4 and Heavenly Sword to play completely free for three weeks. Screw you GameFly, Fuck you Blockbuster, the library has you beat bad. Now all those taxes you pay make perfect sense, don't they?

Anti-Tobacco Lobbyists Consider Banning Cold Weather

This week Anti-Tobacco groups such as Truth.com teamed up with Congress to begin talks on what they see as Big Tobacco's greatest advertisement to youth - Cold Weather.
For as long as there has been tobacco, children in sub-40 degree weather have been pretending to blow out cigarette smoke using visible water vapor in the cold air.

Rep. Steven Hatch (D) had this to say at the session: "Cold air is obviously one of Big Tobacco's inventions to once again subvert the impressionable minds of our youth. This is Joe the Camel all over again. We must make a stand for our children!" Murmurs of assent followed.

Kids pretending to smoke in the cold weather is the number one cause of smoking as adults, numerous studies say. A recent double blind study conducted by the WHO showed that as many as 8 out of every 10 kids has pantomimed blowing cigarette smoke while waiting for their school buses.

Many congressmen believe that the answer lies in doing away with cold weather.
Al Gore, former Vice President, but now best known for his anti-global warming movie, has already started efforts to accelerate the process of global warming. Thursday he urged all Americans to leave their refrigerators open and to use aerosol hairspray like it was "going out of style." Stock of Aqua-Net soared to an all-time high.

More news as this develops.

The Top 3 Worst Places to Get Injured.

Yeah, lots of places would suck to get injured. Like, oh I don't know, the brain or the heart. Yeah you might die. But these injuries somehow seem worse, more vile. It's hard to explain but we all know what I'm talking about. The top three places - Drumroll- are :

Face-
The face is instinctively the first thing we cover when trying to avoid harm. This is the reason that boxers keep their dukes up, women wear makeup, and Johnny Depp is 43 and still has 18 year old girls that want to bang him. The face is very important for vanity reasons, and also, the eyes are up there. That would completely suck if you got stabbed in the eyes.

The rest of the face is equally scary, because you might become disfigured like Rocky Dennis in "Mask". Too obscure? How about like Mel Gibson in The Man Without a Face? Ok good.

Unless the injury gives you a cool scar, in which case, bonus points!!!

+5

Neck-

The neck is a very bad place to get injured because you aren't exactly sure where the jugular vein is, but you know it's very probable that you just got slashed in it.

Protect ya neck.

Everyone is sure that the neck is kinda important, but think about getting shot in the leg, arms, stomach, and neck. Which is worse? Right, the neck.

The neck has all those important tubes running down it...and candy...and stuff. Look I'm not a Anatomy nerd and anyways this secretly goes back to the inborn fear we all have of Vampires anyways.


Junk-
Admit it, men, just thinking about this makes you sick as hell. Imagine the scene in "Stand By Me" where Gordy (Wil Wheaton!!!) pulls the leeches out from his junk then passes out. Then imagine that, instead of leeches, you just got stabbed in the junk. Blood, and other fluids, would be pouring out. And what are those other fluids!? That's what really concerns me. You probably need those to technically still be a man.


Hey Ace stop! I heard that leeches get
mad when you point at them!

Holy Fuck look at the size of those leeches gnawing on Ace's junk!

Something I'll Never Get used to as Long as I Live

Plunging toilets. I hate it. The whole process is just disgusting and degrading. Everyone experiences that 'Oh Shit' moment when you flush a toilet and it doesn't go down. For some reason you think to yourself - Well if I just wait for the water to go down and flush it again it might go down this time. This line of thinking is pure delusion and has no basis in reality. It never works, no matter how hard you mentally will it to.

SO you break out the plunger. Plungers are nasty. One of the most horrid items that we willingly keep in our houses is a plunger. If someone forced you to either drink bleach or lick a plunger, most of us would have to think long and hard about it. The bleach would most likely kill you...but that plunger is so nasty...it might be worth it to just die.

SO, Some of the stale nasty poop water from the previous plunge is always hanging out in the plunger. You have to be careful not to drip any on the floor or, even worse, your shoes or pants. You do that balancing act until you get it into the toilet again.

And the plunging itself is simply horrible. It's one of the most traumatic things to look at ever. I usually turn my head and try not to look. Everything gets stirred around in some sort of Devil Stew. It's probably similar to seeing your mother bang three guys at the same time.

AND, No matter how well the plunger is designed, it always drips some water out when you put it back. Poop water. But at that point you don't care much anymore. You just thank God it's over and you can get back to sending people the 2 girls 1 cup video via email.

Hospital Offers Liposuction While Mothers are Giving Birth.

A California Hospital is now offering Liposuction to mothers that are giving birth via C-Sections. The decision was made when one enterprising doctor, Roger Lennon, suggested that mothers need not be insecure about their new scars and weight gain.

Lennon had this to say : "New mothers, especially after they have gained approximately 30 pounds, are very prone to postpartum depression, sometimes because of the way they look. We give the mothers the opportunity to have liposuction for C-Section births during the same time that they give birth. The thinking is - hey, we already made the incision, lets suck out some fat while we are in there."

The same hospital is planning next summer to offer free tanning beds and peticures while new mothers are in recovery.

Recession so Bad NASA Cannot Fake Another Moon Landing.

Middle Class Americans and Automakers aren't the only ones tightening their belts in this recession. NASA announced Monday that their funding has been cut back so severely that the next faked moon landing will have to be canceled.
Spokesperson Nancy Bridges on the matter: "While this was not exactly unexpected for those of us in the know, I'm sure that this announcement has shocked many Americans. It just goes to show that we, too, are vulnerable to this global recession. We cannot afford to hire a digital effects staff to make the fake moon landing look real enough to fool the Russians. Hopefully within three years we can launch another fake shuttle from the safety of our Hollywood studio."

Also cut at NASA -
- The Committee of Old Men who look at Pictures of Stars and Pretend that there is a New Undiscovered Planet in there.
- Money spent trying to make sure the phrase "It ain't exactly Rocket Science" stays popular.
- Money spent trying to get David Bowie to agree to let them use "Space Oddity" as their theme song.
- Funding for assassins to kill Steven Hawking.
- Legal team trying to sue Fight Club author over use of the term "Space Monkeys" has been disbanded.
- Tang cutbacks.

Random Funny Picture of the Week

http://www.photobasement.com/please-no-fatties/. Most likely not the original source.

Prison Turns Out Lights for Earth Hour, 10 Dead.

David Kilauc, AP- Saturday, March 28th, a day that was supposed to show support for Climate Change Awareness, has ended in tragedy. Los Peiros Penitentiary in New Mexico turned out its lights for an hour Saturday during nightly cell lockdowns, only to discover later that most prisoners were not in fact locked down yet. When the lights were turned back on an hour later at 9:30, 6 Guards and 4 Prisoners were dead. 24 Prisoners are unaccounted for and are presumed escaped or dead.

Prison Warden Jack Rojos had this to say: "Yeah, looking back on it, this probably wasn't such a good idea." State Police, the National Guard, and the FBI have joined the hunt for the escaped convicts. More news as events unfold.

Duck Hunt Dog Sorry for Being Mean to You All Those Years.

The Dog from Duck Hunt sent out a letter Friday to one Kevin Roberts apologizing for all the times he acted "like a real doucher". The letter states that the Dog is "Very sorry for all the times I laughed at you not shooting the ducks. It was a horrible thing to do." Despite the Dog's antics, Kevin still hung out with the Dog throughout High School and College.

Acoording to the letter, the Dog found Jesus sometime in the late 90's and has now devoted his life to helping, rather than laughing at people. Also, part of his 12 step program includes asking people to forgive him. In the letter, the Dog also apologized to Kevin for such various acts that he had committed such as:

• Putting Tabasco sauce in your drink when you weren't looking
  
• Stealing your girlfriend on prom night
• Telling you that the cookie dough contained no peanut products
• Putting tampons and ketchup in your mouth while you were passed out and sending the picture to your mom
• Spreading the rumor in high school that you were a post-op Tranny
• Always telling your parents when they called looking for you that you had been "in the bathroom with your friend Steve for a while" and that "he would call you back after he's out"
  
• Sleeping with your mom

Although in all fairness, he said that you tried to shoot him with the Light Gun sometimes.

Man Caught Impersonating Police Impersonates Judge, Sets Self Free.

Tuesday a Brooklyn man accused of impersonating a police officer has pulled another fast one on the justice system. Reginald Scarletto, 37, was arrested February 27th on charges that he was impersonating a police officer to pull people over for speeding, then letting them go if they paid him 35 dollars.

Scarletto was released on bond until his court date. This Tuesday, he apparently dressed up as the judge and dismissed all charges against himself. The real judge for the case was later found to be eating lunch when this occured. He was told via telephone that that there would be no cases today due to a courtroom flood.

Scarletto is still on the run and should be considered armed and dangerous. He is between 5'11" and 6'5", with red or blonde or brown hair, a beard, or not, and was last seen wearing fake Groucho Marx glasses, nose, and mustache combo. If you see him, or someone dressed like Snidely Whiplash, call police immedietly.

Missing NJ Parents Come Home to Relieved Kid

Timmy Roberts, 5, had a serious scare Saturday night - but this is one missing persons case that has a happy ending. The 34 and 36-year-old parents of Timmy were last seen with a neighbor Saturday night, following an argument with their son Timmy. The child called police to report his parents missing but was told that they could not officially call them missing for 24 hours.

"It wasn't like them to stay out all night and I felt in my heart that something was wrong. And all this time the police are telling me they can't help me," Said Timmy Roberts, 5.

Police Chief Rogers said this in response, "All the time we get calls about parents that stay out too long because they are angry at their kid or because lose track of time, but 99 percent of them come back within 24 hours. Our policy is to wait before declaring them officially missing."

Timmy Roberts admitted that they had a particularly nasty argument before his parents disappeared. "We were arguing about them taking me to the Zoo tomorrow, and at one point they flipped out and started yelling that they never had time for themselves that I didn't care about their needs. My mom also said that she wish she were adopted."

Timmy, however, said he doesn't care about going to the Zoo at all, and he is just glad to have his parents back home safely. "You see all these stories on the news about abducted parents and it really freaks you out you know? I called their friend's houses but they hadn't seen them. It was 7 A.M. the next day and I was in the process of making MISSING flyers on my PlaySkool Computer when they walked in the door."

Timmy's parents are promising to talk it out in the future and let cool heads prevail. Timmy reflected on his good fortune, "You just thank God, you know, that nothing bad happened to them." All is well at the Roberts household and concerned neighbors even had a present for Timmy and his parents - two tickets to the Zoo.

Tupac Shakur still releasing albums and Twitter posts.

Tupac Shakur has posthumously released 6 albums, with another in the works, according to his Twitter page. Tupac Shakur stressed to fans to not worry and that he has more unreleased material after his upcoming album.

The album release is not the only subject covered on his Twitter page. Lately, Tupac has chimed in on political issues. An earlier Tweet said this, "George Bush...Senior...ruined the economy and we must rebuild our nation."
Later that day: "@wezyfbaby: I truly believe that a Black president will be able to unite the nation. But that might never happen. Because it's 1992."

The title of the album has not been released yet and is due out Summer of 2009.

Cash4Gold Secretly Owned by Scrooge McDuck

The new commercials starring Ed McMahon and MC Hammer for Cash4Gold have led to increased scrutiny about who is behind the gold buying company. During an investigation by three Junior Woodchucks - Huey Dewey and Louie, it was discovered that their Uncle Scrooge McDuck was the proprietor. Cash4Gold is a business where people send their unwanted gold through the mail in exchange for cash.

When cornered by reporters, Scrooge admitted to owning the company. When pressed about it he had this to say " Jump start me heart! Ye can na jump and swim through cash like you can gold. It just inna the same." When asked how the business was doing, he left via helicopter with Launchpad McQuack and referred us to his accountant, Fenton Crackshell.

"Scrooge McDuck is not making money on this venture, but he loves to swim through gold. Ever since he lost his Number One Dime to Magica De Spell, he has had a gold shortage, mostly due to the Beagle Boys' numerous successful break-ins. But I can assure you that Gizmo Duck is on the case."

Upon announcement of the news, McDuck Enterprises stock fell sharply.

SNL Cast Tired of Guy that Keeps Popping in Uninvited

After the devastating blow that was losing Tim Meadows, SNL cast members are reported to be grumbling over the latest setback - that guy that doesn't seem to get the hint that he's not wanted. A one Mr. Justin Timberlake has showed up three times on the show since November 2008. Said "I'm on a Boat" star Andy Samberg, "I don't know why he keeps showing up, nobody invited him and he won't take the hint. He's not even funny."

What hint? Cast members report that Timberlake calls them and keeps asking to "hang out, you know, just chill and watch TV or something" but months ago they have all agreed to stop returning his calls.

"I heard he's a cousin of producer Lorne Michaels or something. It's pretty sad that he gets on the show just because of that," said Kristin Wiig.

The Cast and crew have given him multiple excuses as to why they couldn't hang out, including but not limited to: "My Grandmother died", "My sister is having open heart surgery", and "I have to go film a bad movie based on one of my SNL characters".

Lately their strategy has become more aggressive, attempting to get rid of Mr. Timberlake by getting him a girlfriend. This strategy was suggested after Timberlake starting showing up unnannounced at the actor's homes with twelve packs of Mountain Dew and his copy of Halo 3.

Brawny Announces new Super Absorbent Cotton Towel

The world's leading paper towel authority has now released a new super absorbent cotton towel. Brawny claims that it is over 50 times more absorbent than it's previous Super-Absorbent Paper model, which could hold a bowling ball when wet. A Brawny PR rep says the disposable cotton towel can hold up to 55 bowling balls when wet. Brawny worked for three years on the product, using millions of dollars on research and development.

Lead developer Ronald Buckner had this to say: "After many years of development and many sleepless nights, we have finally developed a brand new product that is so powerful you may never need another paper towel again. The world has never seen anything like it."

The Brawny Super Absorbent Towel retails for 4.99 for one disposable towel and goes on sale in April.

Michael Jackson Announces Farewell To Earth Tour

In breaking news, the world's most famous alien this side of ET has announced his farewell tour. Michael Jackson is going on one tour in Britain before returning to his home planet of Xanuk.

Fans clamoring for one last tour have finally had their prayers answered. In 1998 scientists have figured out that Micheal Jackson is slowly dissolving due to the Earth's atmosphere, and he has been searching for a way to stave off the disease.

Scientists and doctors have been unable to make much progress in the case, citing Jackson's unique DNA and our lack of knowledge about Xanukians.

Jackson is most famously known for his hit solo career in the 80's and from the several incidents at Neverland Ranch where he allegedly molested children. Jackson has since received a full government pardon due to different customs between planets.

Jackson has assured Earth people that it is, in fact, quite common on his planet to molest children and is a sign of good mental health.

His farewell tour starts in Winter of 2009.

America Sees Hot New Trend for 2009 : Unemployment

Hip new trend for 2009.

America listen up : Leggings, Skinny Jeans, and Skinny Ties are out, Unemployment is in.

With 8.1% of the American work force now unemployed, employed people are simply not considered cool anymore. Said one Janet Neilson, 18: "Employed people behind the times. What do they think it is? 2005? They might as well be wearing acid-washed jeans."

The growing trend toward not working has been spotted not just with today's youth, but with adults and senior citizens as well. John Filner, 45, said this, "After I lost my job at the Ford plant I freaked out a bit, but once I learned that everyone was doing it, I felt a new sense of confidence. Hip doesn't have to die after 30!"

"How to get that unemployed look" . Maxim magazine April 2009.

Recent studies by economists, stock market analysts, and Cosmopolitan magazine show that this trend has no intention of slowing down. Now unemployed people are forming in groups outside of malls, in alleys, and other conspicuous areas to show off how unemployed they are.

The street is the new catwalk.

Usually the trend-setting unemployed dress in poor quality clothing to accentuate their lack of jobs. A new retailer, Destitute Designs, has already reached record profits this year.

However, employed fashionista Marissa Cortez had this to say: "This is a trend just like any other, and, like all trends, once enough people do it it will be considered unhip again. When unemployment reaches 10% we will probably see a cultural backlash against it."

Analysts predict that may be as early as fall of '09.

Man Gets Reamed for Improper Forum Etiquette

This weekend Charles Mulner was surfing his favorite TV show's forums, Heroes, when he got verbally abused by respected members of the forum community. Charles said this Monday night, " I made a post called 'Sylar: Good guy or Bad Guy?' and asked what people thought about Syler's recent trend toward niceness." That was when everything hit the fan.

People started coming out of the woodwork yelling at him for his post, which was apparently in the wrong forum area. Then others still informed him that he needed to "lulz use the search feature noob, there are like 2 posts on this already". Some posters even told him that they would "rape his mother in the eye if he didn't use spoiler tags".
Then when Mulner responded that he was just trying to start a conversation and meant no harm, he was dealt the biggest blow of all.

"Then a user named PETARPUTRELLI with 5,342 posts on the Heroes forum then linked me the forum rules and told me to stop posting until I read them. 5,000 posts! How do I even begin to measure up to this guy? He was like some sort of Golden God."



Mulner never actually got any response related to his post, unless you count an ASCII drawing of Sylar taking a piss on his name. He quietly bowed out of the forums, afraid to post again until he had memorized all four pages of the forum rules.

More White People Can Point Out Obscure Country Than Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry has the number one movie in the country for the second straight week with his smash hit Madea Goes to Jail. But who exactly is Tyler Perry? It turns out, no white person really knows.

In a recent Poll by CNN, 153 white Americans were asked two questions: 1) If they knew who Tyler Perry was, and 2) If they could point out the obscure European country of Estonia.

It turns out that more white Americans could accurately point out Estonia than knew who Tyler Perry was.

When doing research for the subject, CNN found that Tyler Perry actually has a TV show that runs right now, and has made movies before. Many of the polled Americans expressed dismay at this news. Said one pollster, "If all this is happening right under our noses and nobody knows about it, then no wonder we can't catch Bin Laden."

Another had this to say, "God help us all. Tyler Perry could be an Alien trying to take over our country." A crazy theory indeed, but one that gained water when this reporter found this picture of Tyler Perry in disguise, probably about to shoot someone who knows he's an alien:

More news as the story develops.