Having worked as a pizza delivery man for years, you come to realize that there are some people you want to carpet bomb. Here are a brief list of such people.
The Can't-Be-Bothered-To-Get-Off-the-Cell-Phone Guy - This Guy has a very important conversation going on the phone that must be completed. Your presence at his house is barely acknowledged, almost like he opened the door and happened to see you there. This guy thinks he is important, you are not, and he wants you to know it.
You tell him the total and he nods almost imperceptively, takes the pizza, and hands you the money while mouthing the word "Thanks", then slamming the door in your face, all the while continuing his conversation. This guy deserves to be punched. In the face. Bonus Carpet Bomb Points if it's a Bluetooth.
yes i would like the bondage outfit on page 74The Old-Person-Who-Thinks-It's-1983
These women (it's usually women) are so grateful for your services that they reward you handsomely with a good tip-if Reagan was in office. Without adjusting for inflation, cost of living, or monster recessions, this Woman tips a buck flat, every time.
13 mile round trip? Buck tip. 50 dollar order? Buck. It's enough to make you want to cuss at her but you can't because she reminds you of your Grandma. Bonus Carpet Bomb Points if she is watching Murder She Wrote when you arrive.
there is a penny-candy store right down the street young man!The "Who-The-Hell-Are-You?" Guy
For some reason I seem to get these a lot. You walk up to the door, ring the doorbell, a guy answers and simply stares at you like you have 3 arms. You wait an awkward second then say hi. He continues staring, looking puzzled, and doesn't say anything. Sweat is now dripping off your face.
A couple more tense moments go by and you start feeling like you are at the wrong house. So you ask him, "Uh, did you order a pizza?" At which point he pulls out the money and says "Yeah, how much was it?" It's enough to drive you mad. Bonus Carpet Bomb Points if he acts like you are dumb for asking if its his.
i had no idea the pizza i ordered would actually come
The-I-have-to-write-a-check-Guy
This is one of the most aggravating customers out there. You are completely on their time and the fact that you make a living based on speed is not their concern. They had 35 minutes to get the payment ready. Thirty-Five-Minutes! and they say "Hold on, I have to write the check." Really? You have to write the check? You didn't know I was coming? Is thirty-five minutes not enough time to write a check?
Then they have to find the checkbook. And you have to check their ID. Bonus Carpet Bomb Points if one of their kids shambles toward you and just stares at you through the glass door the entire time.
your job requires speed?!!
The-My-Dog-Will-Lick-You-To-Death-Woman
For some reason I seem to get these a lot. You walk up to the door, ring the doorbell, a guy answers and simply stares at you like you have 3 arms. You wait an awkward second then say hi. He continues staring, looking puzzled, and doesn't say anything. Sweat is now dripping off your face.
A couple more tense moments go by and you start feeling like you are at the wrong house. So you ask him, "Uh, did you order a pizza?" At which point he pulls out the money and says "Yeah, how much was it?" It's enough to drive you mad. Bonus Carpet Bomb Points if he acts like you are dumb for asking if its his.
i had no idea the pizza i ordered would actually comeThe-I-have-to-write-a-check-Guy
This is one of the most aggravating customers out there. You are completely on their time and the fact that you make a living based on speed is not their concern. They had 35 minutes to get the payment ready. Thirty-Five-Minutes! and they say "Hold on, I have to write the check." Really? You have to write the check? You didn't know I was coming? Is thirty-five minutes not enough time to write a check?
Then they have to find the checkbook. And you have to check their ID. Bonus Carpet Bomb Points if one of their kids shambles toward you and just stares at you through the glass door the entire time.
your job requires speed?!!The-My-Dog-Will-Lick-You-To-Death-Woman
"He's harmless. He might lick ya to death though!" When I'm delivering, I hear this crap at least once a day. I know I'm just nit-picking with this one, but it's my list so if you don't like it, make your own.
It's like everybody with a dog got together one day and said "Hey! When a pizza delivery guy comes to the door, and the dog starts barking, what is the cutest way to let him know my dog is harmless?" Seriously. Come up with something new. It gets old after the 153rd time. And I know you are joking, but it still sounds creepy every time I hear it.
lick you. To DEATH
If you want to find out how to be a less annoying customer so you don't make it on this list, check out here.
It's like everybody with a dog got together one day and said "Hey! When a pizza delivery guy comes to the door, and the dog starts barking, what is the cutest way to let him know my dog is harmless?" Seriously. Come up with something new. It gets old after the 153rd time. And I know you are joking, but it still sounds creepy every time I hear it.
lick you. To DEATHIf you want to find out how to be a less annoying customer so you don't make it on this list, check out here.
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