The Top 3 Worst Places to Get Injured.

Yeah, lots of places would suck to get injured. Like, oh I don't know, the brain or the heart. Yeah you might die. But these injuries somehow seem worse, more vile. It's hard to explain but we all know what I'm talking about. The top three places - Drumroll- are :

Face-
The face is instinctively the first thing we cover when trying to avoid harm. This is the reason that boxers keep their dukes up, women wear makeup, and Johnny Depp is 43 and still has 18 year old girls that want to bang him. The face is very important for vanity reasons, and also, the eyes are up there. That would completely suck if you got stabbed in the eyes.

The rest of the face is equally scary, because you might become disfigured like Rocky Dennis in "Mask". Too obscure? How about like Mel Gibson in The Man Without a Face? Ok good.

Unless the injury gives you a cool scar, in which case, bonus points!!!

+5

Neck-

The neck is a very bad place to get injured because you aren't exactly sure where the jugular vein is, but you know it's very probable that you just got slashed in it.

Protect ya neck.

Everyone is sure that the neck is kinda important, but think about getting shot in the leg, arms, stomach, and neck. Which is worse? Right, the neck.

The neck has all those important tubes running down it...and candy...and stuff. Look I'm not a Anatomy nerd and anyways this secretly goes back to the inborn fear we all have of Vampires anyways.


Junk-
Admit it, men, just thinking about this makes you sick as hell. Imagine the scene in "Stand By Me" where Gordy (Wil Wheaton!!!) pulls the leeches out from his junk then passes out. Then imagine that, instead of leeches, you just got stabbed in the junk. Blood, and other fluids, would be pouring out. And what are those other fluids!? That's what really concerns me. You probably need those to technically still be a man.


Hey Ace stop! I heard that leeches get
mad when you point at them!

Holy Fuck look at the size of those leeches gnawing on Ace's junk!

Police: Necrophiliac Wants Death Penalty

eeny meeny miney moe


Police say that 42 year old Gilbert Esron had sex with over 50 corpses in his four year employment at Deer Meadow Funeral Home, and now he wants the death penalty. The reason? So that he can touch himself.

While on the stand, Esron had this to say,"There are no corpses in jail and I'm only attracted to dead people. My only hope is to abuse myself after I'm dead."

When informed that the charges against him did not carry the possibility of capital punishment, and furthermore questioning the logic of the defendant's statement, the defendant tried to grab the gun from court security, presumably to kill himself.

The defendant was restrained and the trial continued without incident.

The Top 5 Greatest Movies From My Childhood

Movies always had a huge impact on me when I was growing up. I think they did on all of us. As you get older, however, movies become less of something that you experience and more something that you do. So here are the top 5 movies that had the greatest impact on me. Keep in mind I'm in in my 20's so these movies were made in the 80's and early 90's.

5. The Neverending Story.

The Neverending Story was about a bullied boy who went into a fantasy world by reading a book. The book-world of Fantasia is dying and a young warrior and his horse set out to find out how to stop the Nothing that is destroying their world. Also, the main character has pretty much the best name ever, Atreyu. Sucks it was ruined by some crappy band.

fantasia will die because you ruined my name

The Neverending Story world was populated with grandiose scenery, colorful backgrounds, elaborate settings, and incredible characters such as the Rockbiter.

These hands...need some lubriderm

There was a Luck Dragon, some crazy guy who flew on a bat, another crazy guy who rode on a snail (it's a racing snail), Atreyu that hunted the Purple Buffalo, and the Child-like Emperess. Just to name a few. Oh and those statues that opened their eyes and killed you. Those always scared the bejesus out of me. Yes that's right, The statues in this movie will give you nightmares. To this day I still get spooked when I see something that looks like them.

ahhhh

As the movie goes on, the bullied child figures out that the book is relying upon him to write its chapters, thus giving him a sense of power that translates into real world self-confidence, yada yada yada. The sickly sweetness of the ending was enough to keep this from being any higher than number 5.

4 Willow.

I'm still surprised at how many people who grew up in the 80's have not seen this movie. OK, with the rampant level of midget hatred out there today, maybe I'm not that surprised.

they are just acting short to get attention

But this movie was produced by Lucasfilm and George Lucas, directed by Ron Howard. THE George Lucas and THE Ron Howard. How have people not seen this? Like the Neverending Story, the world of Willow is populated by fantastic scenery, characters, and amazing special effects that mostly don't look dated. I won't go into the plot, because it's a typical Tolkeinesque fantasy with lots of traveling and action along the way. But Val Kilmer is amazing as Madmartigan, the greatest swordsman to ever live.

i told you he was a great swordsman

This is a great movie, but can be a little over-long. And this movie only intensified my hatred of midgets. Especially those with magic acorns. Which is, like, all of them.peck!

3 Clue. Yes, Clue. A movie based on the Parker Brothers board game. I know what you are thinking, but it can actually be a successful formula. Just look at Pirates of the Caribbean.well, look at it

I can't even begin to describe how clever this movie is. It's like every episode of Scrubs put together, only it's not corny. You see, Clue is a comedy at its core. Tim Curry is at his prime here as the main character in a mansion filled with blackmail, mystery and ... MURDER! The bodies keep piling up while everyone is scrambling to find out who killed whom and who is dead and the different plot twists along the way.

mrs. peacock IS a man!

The best part about the movie are the multiple endings. That's right, Three different ways to how it could have ended, who could have been the killer...and each one makes perfect sense. There are no plot holes here, no matter how hard you look and no matter how many times you watch it. And I've watched it plenty.

exhibit A

2 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is that a jose canseco bat?

The old one, not the new one. Ahh, I can still remember going into the theater with my brother and seeing this movie. Just doing this segment makes me want to order a pizza. What memories! It was like the now-classic cartoon series, only darker and with...cussing!

The greatest part of this movie is that it was able to really show the difference in each turtle's personality. Especially Leo and Raph's. The action was awesome by 10-year-old-kid standards. And Casey Jones (The class is Pain 101. Your instructor is Casey Jones) is everyone's favorite madman in a hockey mask... well second favorite.

tell me you didn't pay money for this

The Shredder was pretty cool in this movie, and April O' Neil was great. The only problem was that in the sequel, they decided to drop her (or maybe she didn't sign) for a better looking but totally not-April-like April. April isn't a push-over, dammit. Get it right. Oh well, I can forgive and forget. I'm done with this piece and my pizza still isn't here. And you know what they say. Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.

i made another funny!

Ninja Vanish!

1 The Princess Bride

So we make to the last and greatest movie from my childhood, and probably the best movie of the 80's. This movie had it all. As the creepy grandfather says in the beginning - giants, torture, true love ! And it's not even Janet Reno's Dance Party.

I can pretty much tell you every line from this movie by heart. Anyone who has seen it can. It seems like it was made to be the most quotable movie ever.

The story follows Buttercup and her true love, Wesley.

wait till she finds out about the crabs i gave her

Wesley goes off to find his fortune so they can be married but he never returns. In the meanwhile, Buttercup is forced to marry the evil Prince Humperdink, a man she does not love.
Before her wedding night, however, she is kidnapped by three men working for the Prince: Vizzini(inconcievable), Fezzik(anybodywantapeanut), and Inigo Montoya (youkilledmyfatherpreparetodie).

stop right there! routine finger check

When a Man in Black starts following them, the trio of kidnappers are out to stop him.
The Man in Black has to pass three trials, one of finesse, one of strength, and one of intellect.
i know what you're thinking: did I pee in my own glass or yours?

I don't want to spoil the movie for those of you who haven't seen it. I imagine a lot of guys are dissuaded by the title. It sounds girly. In fact it's not. There are fire swamps, swordfights, deaths, daring escapes, and Andre the Giant.

crabs of unusual size? i don't think they exist

The movie was a book before it was a movie, you see. A book by William Goldman. The same William Goldman that wrote Lord of the Flies, which is a pretty sick book. If you have your doubts about seeing this, know that it is more manly than Ivan Drago eating raw meat and washing it down with beer. And, lastly, because of its quotability, this is the perfect movie to play drinking games to.

My Job is Better Than Yours.

me

Its true. My job is better than yours. You cannot even hope to compare. Honestly. You can't. So stop trying.

Don't believe me?
Let's run through a checklist. See how many of these things you have at your crappy job.

- Decent pay.
- Free Health Care.
- 4 Days off a week.
- 40+ Hours a week.
- No boss but yourself.
- Do whatever the hell you want for about 6 hours per shift.
- Entertaining work stories.
- Your job makes the ladies melt.
- Free (albeit crappy) Food.
- Play Basketball, pool, etc.


Nope I'm not making this up. My job has all this. Any guesses as to what I do?

nope

That was a dumb guess. Actually I work third shift at a Residential Treatment Center for at-risk youth. Yes, I work at a Boys' home for kids with ADHD, ODD, Depression, Bi-polar, FAS, Schizophrenia, MR, legal, economic, and parental issues.

What I do when I get into work is hang with the kids for a bit, then they go to sleep around 9:30 P.M. They are on so many meds that they never wake up, so I have approximately 6-7 hours to do whatever the hell I want.

Lets go over each item on my checklist piece by piece to see how yours compares, shall we?

Decent Pay - Yes I get paid pretty well to sit on my ass. Will this job make me rich? No. It's Human Services. But I could be out breaking my back working construction somewhere.

Free Health Care/Four Days Off a Week/40+ Hours a Week - Do I really need to explain this to you crap-jobbers? (Yes, you are now crap-jobbers.)

No Boss But Yourself - I'm alone on my shift. My boss is never there. Ever. And even if he was, he is a pretty cool guy. He has to be cool, he gave me this easy job.

maybe my boss

Do Whatever the Hell You Want - While the kids are asleep you have one responsibility - check on them every 15 minutes and log this. Usually I don't check on them. I'm too busy playing video games on my laptop. Or sleeping. I can feel you getting jealous now. Or maybe even mad. That's ok if you think I'm a horrible person. I sometimes feel the same way. That feeling usually passes as I get another level on World of Warcraft.

Entertaining Work Stories - Pretty much every day one of the kids at my work does something crazy. Examples : Pooping down their Vent, Trying to jump out of their window, Trying to tear a cast off their arm that they recieved from punching walls, etc. I could go on for days. You are pretty much the life of the party when people ask you what you do for work. Plus, you get to meet some of the coolest kids this side of that one fat kid with that one shirt.

something like that

Your Job Makes the Ladies Melt- Between the entertaining stories and the fact that you work with kids, women cannot resist the combination of male sensitivity and pure kickass-itude. You are like a combination of the Jonas Brothers and Arnold Schwartzenegger.Let's go Dutch

Free Food - Yes, it's state food. It's usually BAD. But it's free. Three days out of the week I have no food cost. In this economy, that's about as good as anyone can get without being an oil tycoon. And I can drink as much Kool-Aid as I want.
I drink it up!

Play Basketball, Pool, etc. - When the kids are awake I simply play board games, card games, pool, or basketball with them. I have to say I'm pretty kick-ass at Sorry now. And my fade-away Jumper has never been better. My favorite thing is to rub it in their faces.

If people think of their perfect job, I'm willing to bet that most people's would look like mine. Why, I have so much time during on my 4 days off that I'm pursuing another degree. In this economy, what else could anyone possibly hope for? I can't top the There Will Be Blood picture so I will end this post on that note.

**Disclaimer. While I actually do have an awesome job, this post was made entirely for purposes of satire. I do perform my job duties while I am there and no kids were harmed the making of this awesome post.**
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