SNL Cast Tired of Guy that Keeps Popping in Uninvited

After the devastating blow that was losing Tim Meadows, SNL cast members are reported to be grumbling over the latest setback - that guy that doesn't seem to get the hint that he's not wanted. A one Mr. Justin Timberlake has showed up three times on the show since November 2008. Said "I'm on a Boat" star Andy Samberg, "I don't know why he keeps showing up, nobody invited him and he won't take the hint. He's not even funny."

What hint? Cast members report that Timberlake calls them and keeps asking to "hang out, you know, just chill and watch TV or something" but months ago they have all agreed to stop returning his calls.

"I heard he's a cousin of producer Lorne Michaels or something. It's pretty sad that he gets on the show just because of that," said Kristin Wiig.

The Cast and crew have given him multiple excuses as to why they couldn't hang out, including but not limited to: "My Grandmother died", "My sister is having open heart surgery", and "I have to go film a bad movie based on one of my SNL characters".

Lately their strategy has become more aggressive, attempting to get rid of Mr. Timberlake by getting him a girlfriend. This strategy was suggested after Timberlake starting showing up unnannounced at the actor's homes with twelve packs of Mountain Dew and his copy of Halo 3.

Brawny Announces new Super Absorbent Cotton Towel

The world's leading paper towel authority has now released a new super absorbent cotton towel. Brawny claims that it is over 50 times more absorbent than it's previous Super-Absorbent Paper model, which could hold a bowling ball when wet. A Brawny PR rep says the disposable cotton towel can hold up to 55 bowling balls when wet. Brawny worked for three years on the product, using millions of dollars on research and development.

Lead developer Ronald Buckner had this to say: "After many years of development and many sleepless nights, we have finally developed a brand new product that is so powerful you may never need another paper towel again. The world has never seen anything like it."

The Brawny Super Absorbent Towel retails for 4.99 for one disposable towel and goes on sale in April.

Michael Jackson Announces Farewell To Earth Tour

In breaking news, the world's most famous alien this side of ET has announced his farewell tour. Michael Jackson is going on one tour in Britain before returning to his home planet of Xanuk.

Fans clamoring for one last tour have finally had their prayers answered. In 1998 scientists have figured out that Micheal Jackson is slowly dissolving due to the Earth's atmosphere, and he has been searching for a way to stave off the disease.

Scientists and doctors have been unable to make much progress in the case, citing Jackson's unique DNA and our lack of knowledge about Xanukians.

Jackson is most famously known for his hit solo career in the 80's and from the several incidents at Neverland Ranch where he allegedly molested children. Jackson has since received a full government pardon due to different customs between planets.

Jackson has assured Earth people that it is, in fact, quite common on his planet to molest children and is a sign of good mental health.

His farewell tour starts in Winter of 2009.

America Sees Hot New Trend for 2009 : Unemployment

Hip new trend for 2009.

America listen up : Leggings, Skinny Jeans, and Skinny Ties are out, Unemployment is in.

With 8.1% of the American work force now unemployed, employed people are simply not considered cool anymore. Said one Janet Neilson, 18: "Employed people behind the times. What do they think it is? 2005? They might as well be wearing acid-washed jeans."

The growing trend toward not working has been spotted not just with today's youth, but with adults and senior citizens as well. John Filner, 45, said this, "After I lost my job at the Ford plant I freaked out a bit, but once I learned that everyone was doing it, I felt a new sense of confidence. Hip doesn't have to die after 30!"

"How to get that unemployed look" . Maxim magazine April 2009.

Recent studies by economists, stock market analysts, and Cosmopolitan magazine show that this trend has no intention of slowing down. Now unemployed people are forming in groups outside of malls, in alleys, and other conspicuous areas to show off how unemployed they are.

The street is the new catwalk.

Usually the trend-setting unemployed dress in poor quality clothing to accentuate their lack of jobs. A new retailer, Destitute Designs, has already reached record profits this year.

However, employed fashionista Marissa Cortez had this to say: "This is a trend just like any other, and, like all trends, once enough people do it it will be considered unhip again. When unemployment reaches 10% we will probably see a cultural backlash against it."

Analysts predict that may be as early as fall of '09.

More White People Can Point Out Obscure Country Than Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry has the number one movie in the country for the second straight week with his smash hit Madea Goes to Jail. But who exactly is Tyler Perry? It turns out, no white person really knows.

In a recent Poll by CNN, 153 white Americans were asked two questions: 1) If they knew who Tyler Perry was, and 2) If they could point out the obscure European country of Estonia.

It turns out that more white Americans could accurately point out Estonia than knew who Tyler Perry was.

When doing research for the subject, CNN found that Tyler Perry actually has a TV show that runs right now, and has made movies before. Many of the polled Americans expressed dismay at this news. Said one pollster, "If all this is happening right under our noses and nobody knows about it, then no wonder we can't catch Bin Laden."

Another had this to say, "God help us all. Tyler Perry could be an Alien trying to take over our country." A crazy theory indeed, but one that gained water when this reporter found this picture of Tyler Perry in disguise, probably about to shoot someone who knows he's an alien:

More news as the story develops.

New Book Teaches How to Survive Suicide

The authors of the Worst Case Scenario books are back to tackle a very important subject : suicide. During a "cry for help" suicide attempt there is the very real possibility that you may actually die. So what are the best ways to survive one without making it look like you wanted to live? Worst Case Scenario: Suicide Edition explores this concept.

The authors have some great tips for suiciders, such as these:

1 If you shoot yourself in the head with a gun, attempt to land on a pillow when you fall. This may help with clotting.

2 If you cut your wrists (up the road, not across the tracks) hop in your bathtub and use cold water, not warm. This will slow down the blood flow.

3 If you jump off a tall building, hit the ground feet first then roll onto your calf, thigh, buttock, then torso, in that order. This will absorb the fall equally over your body.


And many more. This helpful book goes on sale in Summer.

Random Funny Picture of the Week

I have no idea what is going on in this picture but it made me laugh, so there you go. More pictures can be found at moronail.net Site is NSFW.

NASCAR News: Kyle Busch Wins in Vegas by Driving Fast

Kyle Busch won the Vegas Shelby 427 Sprint Cup race Sunday, his first ever win in Vegas. His strategy? "Driving really fast," he told the reporters waiting to interview him.

Asked about his training regiment, he had this to say: "Well I took a brick, right, and tied it to my right foot, which is where the gas pedal is in a car, right, and just imagined that I was pressing down on the gas pedal with that foot."

Busch came from absolute last place to take the lead. Asked about how he overcame that deficit, he had some words of advice for his fellow racers, "The other drivers might not be pressing down on the gas pedal all the way, and that is incorrect. You must press the gas pedal down all the way. That is how you go faster. Might I suggest the brick strategy."

Asked if he had any other thoughts, he suggested that "Some of the drivers may have had their left foot resting on the brake pedal the whole race. That, too, is incorrect. The brake pedal will not make you go faster."

Busch leaves Vegas tomorrow to celebrate with his family.

Police: Necrophiliac Wants Death Penalty

eeny meeny miney moe


Police say that 42 year old Gilbert Esron had sex with over 50 corpses in his four year employment at Deer Meadow Funeral Home, and now he wants the death penalty. The reason? So that he can touch himself.

While on the stand, Esron had this to say,"There are no corpses in jail and I'm only attracted to dead people. My only hope is to abuse myself after I'm dead."

When informed that the charges against him did not carry the possibility of capital punishment, and furthermore questioning the logic of the defendant's statement, the defendant tried to grab the gun from court security, presumably to kill himself.

The defendant was restrained and the trial continued without incident.

Top 5 Scary Gary Busey Clips

The fact that Gary Busey is crazy is hardly news to most people, but you know what they say: the unexamined life is not worth living. Without futher ado, here are the top 5 scary Busey clips.

1). Here you can stop watching after you see Busey (0:08). That's all the time he is in the commercial. Check out the batshit-crazy look on his face and the way the other guy is scared for his life. Also note that because he does not appear in the rest of the commercial, it is safe to assume that Busey tried to bite someone on the set and ran out of the building screaming about giant ants in his shoes.

2). Here is Busey trying to make a kid cry. You might call it horrible. Busey calls it Thursday.

3). These clips show Busey attacking the delicate subject of Euthanasia. Just kidding, it's him going crazy. Twice. Presumable he does this to "Try to Get the Demons Out".

4). In this clip from the 1980 movie Carny, Gary Busey is playing a Dunk-Tank Clown who is hurling insults at the customers. Busey is basically playing himself in this role and I wonder if any of this was actually scripted. At one point he becomes so bored with the competition that he mumbles insults to himself and then goads the crowd into escalating violence...against himself.

5). In this next clip Busey has made a very specific threat to someone: Pulling an endocrine system out of someone's body and making it into a hat.

Here is a picture of the human major endocrine system:As you can see, that would involve Busey going inside your body and fishing out approximately 8 different items, all located in different regions of the body, then turning those items into a hat. Presumably he would wear this hat to church on Sundays.

Also, let's be honest, you only have that much fear of a straightjacket if you have been in one for a long time.

Mexican Gang Leader to U.S. College Students: Spring Break is Here!

Mexican Drug-Ring Leader Hecter Gonzolo had a very important message for college Spring Breakers to maximize their fun : Be prepared!

Hecter had this to say Wednesday: "Mexico is also hurting from the U.S. recession and, as a result, the tourist hot spots are trying to compensate by increasing their prices. Bring extra money."

Asked if he had any other tips for Spring Breakers, he said yes, "The best way to party in Mexico is to leave your inhibitions behind and remember that your credit cards do not work here. You MUST bring cash."



"Another thing to remember is to be sure to tell your parents that you are on vacation and you will NOT be answering their phone calls! This ensures a stress free week!"

On a parting note, Mr. Gonzolo had this to say about his contribution to the Spring Break fun,"I will be a running a mass transport from the airport in a dingy green van to the hotels. Our prices will be cheaper than anything you can find in Cancun!"

Osama-Bin-Laden hates America, Loves Lost

Osama Bin Laden, America's enemy #1, has released a new video on Al Jazerra TV today. It has been translated fully and the main content follows.

In the video, he talks about organizing a new Israeli offensive in Gaza, and any "infidel country". He also mentions that he feels Jack and Kate are a better match than Sawyer and Kate, even though Sawyer and Kate, who he refers to as "Skate", are a more interesting couple.

Bin-Laden made very non-specific threats to U.S. government buildings and made very specific threats to the actor who plays Benjamin Linus if he doesn't "tone it down".

Bin-Laden goes on, urging Palestinian militants to join the insurgency in Iraq, and also urging the producers of Lost to please reconsider Charlie's death. In the video he feels that it is not too late to "bring Charlie back to life somehow, as he is one of the best characters".

Osama also expressed outrage over the fact images of Mohammed were used on TV recently and also expressed outrage that Lost has only aired up to season 4 over in Palestine. It has been confirmed that Afghanistan is also a season behind.

This is the longest Bin-Laden tape since September 2008, when he called for a Jihad against The Others.

This Just In: Octomom Wishes She Stopped At Six

Nadya Suleman, better known as the Octomom, had this to say earlier in a prepared press statement: "Due to the media response to my story, and my own personal soul searching, I will say now that I have some regrets. I have done a very careless thing. I wish now that I had stopped at six kids."

She paused briefly and appeared to be composing herself. "I am deeply sorry for my actions and if I could do it all over again, I would. It's just that the nickname Octomom is really annoying and I feel that Sextumom would be better for my publicity." She continued, "Basically because it has the word 'sex' in it. It would simply generate more buzz. I would undoubtedly be higher ranked in Google Trends than 91st, right after Jamie Foxx's new video."

It was at this point she referred questions to her publicist while she fielded a phone call about potentially giving two of the children away.

More news as this develops.

This Just In: Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green Call Off Engagement

In what will certainly be a smart career move, Brian Austin Green called off the engagement to Megan Fox. Hollywood has been abuzz for months with rumors that he was going to dump her. The A-list Austin Green has been dating C-list movie star Megan Fox for approximately 5 years.

Asked why he did it, Austin Green had this to say:"I felt our careers were going in different directions. Also, I just wasn't attracted to her anymore. I would ask that her privacy be respected in this obviously hard time for her."

Different directions indeed. Austin Green has been the star of 4 Blockbusters in the past two years, and even received two Oscar Nominations. Megan Fox recently has done a straight-to-video slasher film and also had a small part in the straight-to-video 7th American Pie Sequel, "Pie Bangers". Before this year she was out of work for approximately 10 months.

More news as this story develops.

This Just In: Local Man Angry at the Housing Bail-out

Reginald Williams, 36, a the financial director of USA Bank, had more than just work financial issues on the mind today. He is extremely angry that his tax money has to fund a bailout.

Said Williams, "When I saw that these people who have been terrible with their money and their life choices are now getting bailed out, I was appalled. That they get bailed out simply because they can't pay?"

Angrily, he went on to say "So wait, all I have to do is get tricked into buying a house that I can't afford, have my house in foreclosure, endure debtors calling, have to choose whether I want to pay the electric bill or the water bill this month because I can't pay both, and feel like you failed your family?"

"If it's that easy to get a free house, then sign me up".

"Maybe I should not pay all my bills and just sit around and expect them to get paid by the government. It's simply a disgrace to America. And the to American way," he added.

i want you! to hate poor people

Williams continued, "When my bank got bailed out, I knew at least that we could gain capitol over the next 30 years. What is the point in bailing out a family of 4 with young children? Just so they can grow up learning to mooch off the government?"

President Obama's Bailout has won in the senate but many feel the same as Mr. Williams. Time will tell if Obama's plan can gain public support.

Upcoming Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors

Due to the success of the newest Ben and Jerry Flavor, Yes, Pecan!, the powers that be have rolled out plans for four more celebrity-inspired flavors!


Alex Rodriquez's Overjoyed 'Roid- Gummy Bears , Sprinkles, Vanilla Ice Cream, Rainbows,Primobolon, and Testosterone. All that happiness to even out the Rage!

You wont like me when I'm hungry

Barack Obama's Ebony and Ivory Towers - Chocolate ice cream with White Chocolate chunks! Because Racism is Officially Over.

Now how are we going to sell all those confederate flags?

Chris Brown's Rum Punch Crunch! - Rum Punch Flavored Vanilla ice cream with pieces of Toffee and Walnuts mixed in. Now with more Punch!

Shouldn't I be holding a boxer?

Joaquin Phoenix's Spiraling Sanity - A Vanilla Fudge Swirl with pieces of Joaquin Pheonix's Beard and what is left of his brain! Limited Quantities Available.Our hearts go out to the family of Joaquin Phoenix during their terrible loss

Types of Pizza Delivery Customers You Want to Carpet Bomb

Having worked as a pizza delivery man for years, you come to realize that there are some people you want to carpet bomb. Here are a brief list of such people.

The Can't-Be-Bothered-To-Get-Off-the-Cell-Phone Guy - This Guy has a very important conversation going on the phone that must be completed. Your presence at his house is barely acknowledged, almost like he opened the door and happened to see you there. This guy thinks he is important, you are not, and he wants you to know it.

You tell him the total and he nods almost imperceptively, takes the pizza, and hands you the money while mouthing the word "Thanks", then slamming the door in your face, all the while continuing his conversation. This guy deserves to be punched. In the face. Bonus Carpet Bomb Points if it's a Bluetooth.
yes i would like the bondage outfit on page 74

The Old-Person-Who-Thinks-It's-1983
These women (it's usually women) are so grateful for your services that they reward you handsomely with a good tip-if Reagan was in office. Without adjusting for inflation, cost of living, or monster recessions, this Woman tips a buck flat, every time.

13 mile round trip? Buck tip. 50 dollar order? Buck. It's enough to make you want to cuss at her but you can't because she reminds you of your Grandma. Bonus Carpet Bomb Points if she is watching Murder She Wrote when you arrive.there is a penny-candy store right down the street young man!

The "Who-The-Hell-Are-You?" Guy
For some reason I seem to get these a lot. You walk up to the door, ring the doorbell, a guy answers and simply stares at you like you have 3 arms. You wait an awkward second then say hi. He continues staring, looking puzzled, and doesn't say anything. Sweat is now dripping off your face.


A couple more tense moments go by and you start feeling like you are at the wrong house. So you ask him, "Uh, did you order a pizza?" At which point he pulls out the money and says "Yeah, how much was it?" It's enough to drive you mad. Bonus Carpet Bomb Points if he acts like you are dumb for asking if its his.i had no idea the pizza i ordered would actually come

The-I-have-to-write-a-check-Guy
This is one of the most aggravating customers out there. You are completely on their time and the fact that you make a living based on speed is not their concern. They had 35 minutes to get the payment ready. Thirty-Five-Minutes! and they say "Hold on, I have to write the check." Really? You have to write the check? You didn't know I was coming? Is thirty-five minutes not enough time to write a check?

Then they have to find the checkbook. And you have to check their ID. Bonus Carpet Bomb Points if one of their kids shambles toward you and just stares at you through the glass door the entire time.
your job requires speed?!!

The-My-Dog-Will-Lick-You-To-Death-Woman

"He's harmless. He might lick ya to death though!" When I'm delivering, I hear this crap at least once a day. I know I'm just nit-picking with this one, but it's my list so if you don't like it, make your own.

It's like everybody with a dog got together one day and said "Hey! When a pizza delivery guy comes to the door, and the dog starts barking, what is the cutest way to let him know my dog is harmless?" Seriously. Come up with something new. It gets old after the 153rd time. And I know you are joking, but it still sounds creepy every time I hear it.

lick you. To DEATH

If you want to find out how to be a less annoying customer so you don't make it on this list, check out here.

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The Top 5 Greatest Movies From My Childhood

Movies always had a huge impact on me when I was growing up. I think they did on all of us. As you get older, however, movies become less of something that you experience and more something that you do. So here are the top 5 movies that had the greatest impact on me. Keep in mind I'm in in my 20's so these movies were made in the 80's and early 90's.

5. The Neverending Story.

The Neverending Story was about a bullied boy who went into a fantasy world by reading a book. The book-world of Fantasia is dying and a young warrior and his horse set out to find out how to stop the Nothing that is destroying their world. Also, the main character has pretty much the best name ever, Atreyu. Sucks it was ruined by some crappy band.

fantasia will die because you ruined my name

The Neverending Story world was populated with grandiose scenery, colorful backgrounds, elaborate settings, and incredible characters such as the Rockbiter.

These hands...need some lubriderm

There was a Luck Dragon, some crazy guy who flew on a bat, another crazy guy who rode on a snail (it's a racing snail), Atreyu that hunted the Purple Buffalo, and the Child-like Emperess. Just to name a few. Oh and those statues that opened their eyes and killed you. Those always scared the bejesus out of me. Yes that's right, The statues in this movie will give you nightmares. To this day I still get spooked when I see something that looks like them.

ahhhh

As the movie goes on, the bullied child figures out that the book is relying upon him to write its chapters, thus giving him a sense of power that translates into real world self-confidence, yada yada yada. The sickly sweetness of the ending was enough to keep this from being any higher than number 5.

4 Willow.

I'm still surprised at how many people who grew up in the 80's have not seen this movie. OK, with the rampant level of midget hatred out there today, maybe I'm not that surprised.

they are just acting short to get attention

But this movie was produced by Lucasfilm and George Lucas, directed by Ron Howard. THE George Lucas and THE Ron Howard. How have people not seen this? Like the Neverending Story, the world of Willow is populated by fantastic scenery, characters, and amazing special effects that mostly don't look dated. I won't go into the plot, because it's a typical Tolkeinesque fantasy with lots of traveling and action along the way. But Val Kilmer is amazing as Madmartigan, the greatest swordsman to ever live.

i told you he was a great swordsman

This is a great movie, but can be a little over-long. And this movie only intensified my hatred of midgets. Especially those with magic acorns. Which is, like, all of them.peck!

3 Clue. Yes, Clue. A movie based on the Parker Brothers board game. I know what you are thinking, but it can actually be a successful formula. Just look at Pirates of the Caribbean.well, look at it

I can't even begin to describe how clever this movie is. It's like every episode of Scrubs put together, only it's not corny. You see, Clue is a comedy at its core. Tim Curry is at his prime here as the main character in a mansion filled with blackmail, mystery and ... MURDER! The bodies keep piling up while everyone is scrambling to find out who killed whom and who is dead and the different plot twists along the way.

mrs. peacock IS a man!

The best part about the movie are the multiple endings. That's right, Three different ways to how it could have ended, who could have been the killer...and each one makes perfect sense. There are no plot holes here, no matter how hard you look and no matter how many times you watch it. And I've watched it plenty.

exhibit A

2 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is that a jose canseco bat?

The old one, not the new one. Ahh, I can still remember going into the theater with my brother and seeing this movie. Just doing this segment makes me want to order a pizza. What memories! It was like the now-classic cartoon series, only darker and with...cussing!

The greatest part of this movie is that it was able to really show the difference in each turtle's personality. Especially Leo and Raph's. The action was awesome by 10-year-old-kid standards. And Casey Jones (The class is Pain 101. Your instructor is Casey Jones) is everyone's favorite madman in a hockey mask... well second favorite.

tell me you didn't pay money for this

The Shredder was pretty cool in this movie, and April O' Neil was great. The only problem was that in the sequel, they decided to drop her (or maybe she didn't sign) for a better looking but totally not-April-like April. April isn't a push-over, dammit. Get it right. Oh well, I can forgive and forget. I'm done with this piece and my pizza still isn't here. And you know what they say. Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.

i made another funny!

Ninja Vanish!

1 The Princess Bride

So we make to the last and greatest movie from my childhood, and probably the best movie of the 80's. This movie had it all. As the creepy grandfather says in the beginning - giants, torture, true love ! And it's not even Janet Reno's Dance Party.

I can pretty much tell you every line from this movie by heart. Anyone who has seen it can. It seems like it was made to be the most quotable movie ever.

The story follows Buttercup and her true love, Wesley.

wait till she finds out about the crabs i gave her

Wesley goes off to find his fortune so they can be married but he never returns. In the meanwhile, Buttercup is forced to marry the evil Prince Humperdink, a man she does not love.
Before her wedding night, however, she is kidnapped by three men working for the Prince: Vizzini(inconcievable), Fezzik(anybodywantapeanut), and Inigo Montoya (youkilledmyfatherpreparetodie).

stop right there! routine finger check

When a Man in Black starts following them, the trio of kidnappers are out to stop him.
The Man in Black has to pass three trials, one of finesse, one of strength, and one of intellect.
i know what you're thinking: did I pee in my own glass or yours?

I don't want to spoil the movie for those of you who haven't seen it. I imagine a lot of guys are dissuaded by the title. It sounds girly. In fact it's not. There are fire swamps, swordfights, deaths, daring escapes, and Andre the Giant.

crabs of unusual size? i don't think they exist

The movie was a book before it was a movie, you see. A book by William Goldman. The same William Goldman that wrote Lord of the Flies, which is a pretty sick book. If you have your doubts about seeing this, know that it is more manly than Ivan Drago eating raw meat and washing it down with beer. And, lastly, because of its quotability, this is the perfect movie to play drinking games to.