Mexican Gang Leader to U.S. College Students: Spring Break is Here!

Mexican Drug-Ring Leader Hecter Gonzolo had a very important message for college Spring Breakers to maximize their fun : Be prepared!

Hecter had this to say Wednesday: "Mexico is also hurting from the U.S. recession and, as a result, the tourist hot spots are trying to compensate by increasing their prices. Bring extra money."

Asked if he had any other tips for Spring Breakers, he said yes, "The best way to party in Mexico is to leave your inhibitions behind and remember that your credit cards do not work here. You MUST bring cash."



"Another thing to remember is to be sure to tell your parents that you are on vacation and you will NOT be answering their phone calls! This ensures a stress free week!"

On a parting note, Mr. Gonzolo had this to say about his contribution to the Spring Break fun,"I will be a running a mass transport from the airport in a dingy green van to the hotels. Our prices will be cheaper than anything you can find in Cancun!"

Osama-Bin-Laden hates America, Loves Lost

Osama Bin Laden, America's enemy #1, has released a new video on Al Jazerra TV today. It has been translated fully and the main content follows.

In the video, he talks about organizing a new Israeli offensive in Gaza, and any "infidel country". He also mentions that he feels Jack and Kate are a better match than Sawyer and Kate, even though Sawyer and Kate, who he refers to as "Skate", are a more interesting couple.

Bin-Laden made very non-specific threats to U.S. government buildings and made very specific threats to the actor who plays Benjamin Linus if he doesn't "tone it down".

Bin-Laden goes on, urging Palestinian militants to join the insurgency in Iraq, and also urging the producers of Lost to please reconsider Charlie's death. In the video he feels that it is not too late to "bring Charlie back to life somehow, as he is one of the best characters".

Osama also expressed outrage over the fact images of Mohammed were used on TV recently and also expressed outrage that Lost has only aired up to season 4 over in Palestine. It has been confirmed that Afghanistan is also a season behind.

This is the longest Bin-Laden tape since September 2008, when he called for a Jihad against The Others.

This Just In: Octomom Wishes She Stopped At Six

Nadya Suleman, better known as the Octomom, had this to say earlier in a prepared press statement: "Due to the media response to my story, and my own personal soul searching, I will say now that I have some regrets. I have done a very careless thing. I wish now that I had stopped at six kids."

She paused briefly and appeared to be composing herself. "I am deeply sorry for my actions and if I could do it all over again, I would. It's just that the nickname Octomom is really annoying and I feel that Sextumom would be better for my publicity." She continued, "Basically because it has the word 'sex' in it. It would simply generate more buzz. I would undoubtedly be higher ranked in Google Trends than 91st, right after Jamie Foxx's new video."

It was at this point she referred questions to her publicist while she fielded a phone call about potentially giving two of the children away.

More news as this develops.

This Just In: Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green Call Off Engagement

In what will certainly be a smart career move, Brian Austin Green called off the engagement to Megan Fox. Hollywood has been abuzz for months with rumors that he was going to dump her. The A-list Austin Green has been dating C-list movie star Megan Fox for approximately 5 years.

Asked why he did it, Austin Green had this to say:"I felt our careers were going in different directions. Also, I just wasn't attracted to her anymore. I would ask that her privacy be respected in this obviously hard time for her."

Different directions indeed. Austin Green has been the star of 4 Blockbusters in the past two years, and even received two Oscar Nominations. Megan Fox recently has done a straight-to-video slasher film and also had a small part in the straight-to-video 7th American Pie Sequel, "Pie Bangers". Before this year she was out of work for approximately 10 months.

More news as this story develops.

This Just In: Local Man Angry at the Housing Bail-out

Reginald Williams, 36, a the financial director of USA Bank, had more than just work financial issues on the mind today. He is extremely angry that his tax money has to fund a bailout.

Said Williams, "When I saw that these people who have been terrible with their money and their life choices are now getting bailed out, I was appalled. That they get bailed out simply because they can't pay?"

Angrily, he went on to say "So wait, all I have to do is get tricked into buying a house that I can't afford, have my house in foreclosure, endure debtors calling, have to choose whether I want to pay the electric bill or the water bill this month because I can't pay both, and feel like you failed your family?"

"If it's that easy to get a free house, then sign me up".

"Maybe I should not pay all my bills and just sit around and expect them to get paid by the government. It's simply a disgrace to America. And the to American way," he added.

i want you! to hate poor people

Williams continued, "When my bank got bailed out, I knew at least that we could gain capitol over the next 30 years. What is the point in bailing out a family of 4 with young children? Just so they can grow up learning to mooch off the government?"

President Obama's Bailout has won in the senate but many feel the same as Mr. Williams. Time will tell if Obama's plan can gain public support.