NASCAR News: Kyle Busch Wins in Vegas by Driving Fast

Kyle Busch won the Vegas Shelby 427 Sprint Cup race Sunday, his first ever win in Vegas. His strategy? "Driving really fast," he told the reporters waiting to interview him.

Asked about his training regiment, he had this to say: "Well I took a brick, right, and tied it to my right foot, which is where the gas pedal is in a car, right, and just imagined that I was pressing down on the gas pedal with that foot."

Busch came from absolute last place to take the lead. Asked about how he overcame that deficit, he had some words of advice for his fellow racers, "The other drivers might not be pressing down on the gas pedal all the way, and that is incorrect. You must press the gas pedal down all the way. That is how you go faster. Might I suggest the brick strategy."

Asked if he had any other thoughts, he suggested that "Some of the drivers may have had their left foot resting on the brake pedal the whole race. That, too, is incorrect. The brake pedal will not make you go faster."

Busch leaves Vegas tomorrow to celebrate with his family.

Article Featured in Issue of Carnival of Satire.

My article on Chris Brown has made its way into the 111th edition of Carnival of Satire! Check it out if you haven't already. Thanks to Mark A. Raynor for adding the article. Check out his site, The Skwib.

Oh and on a non-related note, visitors - comments are easy, you don't have to sign up, and I appreciate them!

Thanks for your support,
KOS

Police: Necrophiliac Wants Death Penalty

eeny meeny miney moe


Police say that 42 year old Gilbert Esron had sex with over 50 corpses in his four year employment at Deer Meadow Funeral Home, and now he wants the death penalty. The reason? So that he can touch himself.

While on the stand, Esron had this to say,"There are no corpses in jail and I'm only attracted to dead people. My only hope is to abuse myself after I'm dead."

When informed that the charges against him did not carry the possibility of capital punishment, and furthermore questioning the logic of the defendant's statement, the defendant tried to grab the gun from court security, presumably to kill himself.

The defendant was restrained and the trial continued without incident.

Top 5 Scary Gary Busey Clips

The fact that Gary Busey is crazy is hardly news to most people, but you know what they say: the unexamined life is not worth living. Without futher ado, here are the top 5 scary Busey clips.

1). Here you can stop watching after you see Busey (0:08). That's all the time he is in the commercial. Check out the batshit-crazy look on his face and the way the other guy is scared for his life. Also note that because he does not appear in the rest of the commercial, it is safe to assume that Busey tried to bite someone on the set and ran out of the building screaming about giant ants in his shoes.

2). Here is Busey trying to make a kid cry. You might call it horrible. Busey calls it Thursday.

3). These clips show Busey attacking the delicate subject of Euthanasia. Just kidding, it's him going crazy. Twice. Presumable he does this to "Try to Get the Demons Out".

4). In this clip from the 1980 movie Carny, Gary Busey is playing a Dunk-Tank Clown who is hurling insults at the customers. Busey is basically playing himself in this role and I wonder if any of this was actually scripted. At one point he becomes so bored with the competition that he mumbles insults to himself and then goads the crowd into escalating violence...against himself.

5). In this next clip Busey has made a very specific threat to someone: Pulling an endocrine system out of someone's body and making it into a hat.

Here is a picture of the human major endocrine system:As you can see, that would involve Busey going inside your body and fishing out approximately 8 different items, all located in different regions of the body, then turning those items into a hat. Presumably he would wear this hat to church on Sundays.

Also, let's be honest, you only have that much fear of a straightjacket if you have been in one for a long time.

Mexican Gang Leader to U.S. College Students: Spring Break is Here!

Mexican Drug-Ring Leader Hecter Gonzolo had a very important message for college Spring Breakers to maximize their fun : Be prepared!

Hecter had this to say Wednesday: "Mexico is also hurting from the U.S. recession and, as a result, the tourist hot spots are trying to compensate by increasing their prices. Bring extra money."

Asked if he had any other tips for Spring Breakers, he said yes, "The best way to party in Mexico is to leave your inhibitions behind and remember that your credit cards do not work here. You MUST bring cash."



"Another thing to remember is to be sure to tell your parents that you are on vacation and you will NOT be answering their phone calls! This ensures a stress free week!"

On a parting note, Mr. Gonzolo had this to say about his contribution to the Spring Break fun,"I will be a running a mass transport from the airport in a dingy green van to the hotels. Our prices will be cheaper than anything you can find in Cancun!"